Thursday, October 8, 2009

40 on 40

In anticipation of my upcoming 40th birthday, I decided I would pen a few blogs regarding the past 40 years. I doubt I'll get 40 blogs completed in the next 40 days. 40 on 40 just sounded kind of catchy.

Let me just say, my first sentence is already a lie. I'm not "anticipating" my 40th birthday.

I'm in denial.

Yes, denial.

I can't be 40 already. I can't be. 40 is .... so... so.... well, so old. I don't feel like I'm 40. O.k. sometimes I do feel like I'm 40, all those darn hurdles I fell over when I was younger.

I don't look like I'm 40?

Do I?

The one thing that I can say about reaching this milestone in life is:
"Its not at all what I expected."

What did I expect? I expected I'd be married. I'd have kids. I'd be living in an above average single family home. I'd have a successful career. My husband would have a successful career. I'd be thinner. I'd have traveled more. I expected my life to be more exciting, not as ordinary as it seems to have been. I had some big dreams.

I often wonder if my parents are disappointed in how I turned out and where I am in life. Like I said. I had some big dreams. I wonder if they had some expectations. I feel I have fallen flat or come up short on the expectations that I had. For some reason I always felt like I still had time. However, as the days march down to my birth date, I realize the expiration date on many of those expectations and dreams has been reached and surpassed.

Has anyone else felt this way when you hit the big 4-0?

Those of you who knew me way back - - where did you expect to see me. When you friended me on Facebook were you surprised? Or was it what you expected?

While the first 40 didn't turn out how I had planned, its all o.k. If I average out all the peaks and valleys, everything ends up being a straight line to right here. Its all quite ordinary.

Thank goodness!

I mean, who wants to be a train wreck?

Maybe while I reminisce about the last 40, I'll figure out what direction to head in for the next 40. Those of you who know me and remember some of what I write about, I welcome your comments (positive and negative). I'm writing from my perspective. Your perspective is also valued. Its like "the rest of the story".

When this project is complete in 40 days, I'm going to collect it all up - -all your comments, shared photos if anyone has any and posts any, and I'm going to put it all in an album. I'm sure when I'm 80 I'm going to get
a big kick out of it.


Tiffany said...

Approaching 40 is hard, all the way around. I have a year and a half and it is already in my thoughts. You look beautiful! Nowhere near 40. I didn't know you way back when, so I don't have any stories to tell, but I am in admiration of your strength. You and I had the exact opposite expectations for our lives - I never dreamed I'd marry or have kids. I think that you are only as old as you feel. I am doubting that you feel anywhere near 40. You're always on the go! Try not to dwell on the things you haven't done. Remember, as I have been reminding myself to do, that God's plans for you are grander and bigger than the plans you have or had for yourself.

I am so glad to have you in my life, and hopefully we'll actually get to hang out in the same city sometime soon. I know that when the list of possible assignments finally comes out, that DC will definitely be on that list...

Beth said...

40 isn't so bad. my grandmother said she didn't feel old until her daughter became a grandmother -- and that was the same year she turned 90. now, 90 is CERTAINLY old. 40 is fine. i've FINALLY gotten comfortable in my own skin (well, most days!).......and you're doing great. trust that someone is in control and that He knows what is in store for you this year, and every year......

RangersGirl said...

Thanks for the compliments guys. Means a lot from two ladies who haven't aged a bit since I first met you in college.