Friday, June 6, 2008

Life Interrupted and Letting Go

It was so nice to have a day off yesterday and it is so calming to come home to a clean house (well almost - - still have to tackle the dining room table). Today, I even got to come home at 6 p.m. Haven't done that in a long time. I almost didn't know what to do with myself.

I played with the cats for a bit. They are totally into playing with this piece of plastic strap that had bound a package I received a few months ago. Stryker carries it around with him but likes it much more when I make this "Invisible snake" move for him. All three love it. Ranger turns into a little kitten, ears forward, facial hair all fluffed up.

We had a meeting today to talk strategy on testing and where we were. Its going to be a busy summer. My manager spoke with me a couple days ago after everyone else had left. She wanted to know if I'd be o.k. with one of the newly hired analysts taking on the leadership role of the functional team. I guess she felt that since I was the more senior that I might be offended by the choice. I looked right at her and said, "I have no desire to be in management, I like being a worker bee. I hate meetings and all the paper work you guys have to do. So, I'm totally fine with it." I almost gave her a Dan Daily quote that he supposedly said when offered an officer's commission - - "Why would I want to be an average officer when I can be an outstanding NCO." I don't think she would have understood (first) what an NCO was and (second) the difference between and NCO and an officer.

Well, the guy that is helping me test is who they want me to groom to take on the lead role with this piece of software once we implement. Its a relief really, but its hard to let go. For the past 9 months, I've been nurturing this and suffering through the growing pains of figuring out how it works. Its my baby. And right now, the scariest realization for me, I am the only one who really has ALL the functional knowledge about why it works the way it works. I've got to pass the torch. I need to let go and let him test it all out so I can work on the training material - - and actually go out and teach users next month. OMGoodness next month! Ahhhhh!

Once the software deploys, he and I will be the experts the rest of the team will come to when users have problems. So we'll be really busy in the fall too. After things calm down, I will be moving to a new task on my current project. That is how I like things.

However, having the day off and getting to come home at a 'normal' hour, it really hit home how I let my job take over my life. Brad and I met for lunch a couple weeks ago. I had just received my 10-year anniversary pearls so I wore them proudly. He asked me if I was were I wanted to be.

"No, not really," was my reply.

He wanted to know if I hadn't been promoted or given growth opportunities.

I told him I've been given a lot of opportunities and have grown a lot and make a lot of money. But in some respects, I feel like I am still in the same place I was 10 years ago. By this I meant, many of the people I had started out with 10 years ago are now married with children. A lot of the women, who were my friends are not stay at home moms or are just working part-time. I'm still doing the career grind. For me, a family is much more important than a career but that just hasn't been in the cards for me.

"It'll happen for you," he said.

Does a man have any clue how that makes a woman they have broken up with feel when they say that?

"No, the reality of it is, it may not," I replied. SOB, here I was proudly showing off my pearls and now I was struggling to hold back tears.

I know that God's plan is to prosper me and not harm me. My singleness is best for me at this moment, because if it weren't, God would have made it so I wasn't single. I just wonder what awaits me in the next 10 years.


Kathleen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
librariangirl said...

I am right there with you wondering what my next 10 years will bring. I thought I knew but amazingly enough it was yanked out from me faster then it was given to me.

I, too, have to deal with being older and single. I am ok with who I am but like you need to find my place in life. I give you credit for being able to do dinners with an ex. You are much stronger then me and I commend you for that.

Kelly said...

Great post and it's just what I needed to read at this moment. I've been meaning to comment for a long time now and I wanted to thank you for all the positive words you have offered on my blog. I've been at home with my daughter for all of.....2 days now and I can't stop the debate in my head of whether or not I should look for a job while we're here. Work, it's what I have been doing for the past 5 years and then a week ago I just walked away. Common sense tells me that I need to be at home with my daughter, it's what is best for her, especially with all of the changes going on. She needs something constant, regular, normal, and that is me. The problem is that I don't know how to just be, with nothing to do. That sounded wrong, I have things to do. Like you, I think I let work slowly creep in and dictate too much of my life. I didn't realize it until now. Your post reminds me that it is okay to be right where I am in life, after all, it's not a race.